Every time I was about to enter that house, I always prayed. Would they be in a good mood? If not, I thought I could wait it out. Like a stone…like a “thing” that felt nothing.

FB 79-1

I would wait until the day they would accept me again. They would forgive me, wouldn’t they? We can still go back to that, right?

Rin’s yearning for peace is so much stronger because she actually had it (or felt she had it) for a little while.

So Haru finds her collapsed on the sidewalk and runs to get help from Kazuma.

Before all this happened, we sometimes played together. When I told him I liked his soft white hair, the surprised look on his face was so cute.

This leads to Rin’s first hospital stay (of many).  The doctor implies that she may have faced some serious physical abuse, although I don’t think we ever find out if that’s what messed up her insides or it was just the mountain of stress she was under.

Kazuma: Hatsuharu found you lying on the ground – do you remember what happened?

Rin: I have to get home. I have to go home…

Kazuma: I already called your house. I need to talk to your parents about what’s going on with you, Isuzu. Isuzu, you just need to rest.

Rin: Why…? Don’t do that! Why!? Don’t talk to them! Leave us alone! It’s because I’m bad…it’s all my fault…I have to get home…!

Rin’s Mother: It’s fine. You don’t have to come home anymore. It’s all right with me if you go somewhere I’ll never have to see you again. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know how to love you.

So first Rin was convinced that her family was only in shambles because of her, then her parents all but confirm this in her view by essentially telling her she’s failed to earn their love.  The way she tries to keep her (very serious) family problems private is common in victims of abuse, and naturally only helps the abuse continue.

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Haru: How…? How can you say something like that? What’s a kid supposed to do when their parents say crap like that? Rin thinks she’s the one who’s “bad”, but you! Look at what you did to her! If that ain’t “bad”, I don’t know what is! You take your stress out on us, you beat us, you laugh at us, you ignore us…kids get hurt just like you morons, you know! Why can’t you understand something that simple!? Apologize! Apologize now! Apologize to Rin!

I love Haru so much.  He said the words that I wanted to write.

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After that, my parents didn’t visit me at the hospital, and I didn’t return home. And just like that, my family was no more. It was decided that I would stay at Kagura’s house, but moving into a household that wasn’t broken only made my heart ache. I couldn’t even sit down for dinner with them.

She doesn’t really hate families and people who are whole and happy – it’s just a painful reminder of when her family was that way, too.

I’d shut myself up in my room, and anger, hatred, and sadness – towards my parents and myself – would come welling up inside me. What did I do wrong? Where did I make a mistake? Was it really too late to go back and start over? Maybe I never should have been born?

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Whenever I’d start drowning in those thoughts, Haru would appear. He would take me outside, and we’d chat about this and that. We would eat together. Right. And even when I was in the hospital, Haru would always come to see me. I didn’t mind any of that. When Haru was around, I forgot about being miserable. Haru was a strange boy, but also kind. It felt like I could fall in love with him. And maybe…I did. No. I couldn’t do this. Someone like me, a “love” like this…it would be twisted.

And this is when Haru chose to confess his love to her.  It’s not like there was liable to be any better time to put it out there, but he might have ended up pushing Rin too far too fast.

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It had to be Haru. I depended on him. I clung to him. I wanted all of Haru. My desire for him only grew stronger with each passing day. But a “love” like that would surely crush Haru eventually. If Haru came to hate me and went away…

Rin had her share of reservations (reasonable or not) that she never really voiced, besides the ever-present threat of Akito.  Haru couldn’t possibly have sensed all of it if he’d wanted to (and it’s pretty clear he didn’t want).  And then Akito DOES find out (hmm, I wonder what scumbag might have tattled on them?).

Akito: Whose idea was it? Hatsuharu’s? Or yours? Which of you is going to incur my displeasure? You know, when I get angry, I lose control of myself. Like Hatori’s left eye. That was unfortunate.

Rin: Me…it was me. Of course it was me! I seduced him!

What’s really sad is that she might actually believe that.  Haru was her white knight – he wouldn’t do anything so wrong, except by her bad influence.

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Akito: I really do hate women. You’re shameless. Why did you put your hands on what is mine? […] Now I see…heh. You’re pathetic. Ah-ha-ha-ha! You…you’re worthless. Rotten to the core. Being with Hatsuharu can’t change that. In fact, your depression will devour him. You need to realize how little you’re worth. You’re only kept around to make the numbers match up, and don’t you ever forget it! I don’t need you.

Then he pushes Rin out of a second floor window. And Hiro just happened to be walking by…

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But Haru…he did want me. They told me they didn’t need me, but there is someone who wanted me. That made me happy. Nothing could have made me happier. I was happy. Thank you. I was glad. But this is enough. Enough, Haru. Next time Haru, you have to be happy. So I’ll release you from me, from Akito, from everything that ties you down. I want to set you free. You know, Haru, your true “happiness” is in a bigger world. I’ll search for it. I’ll find it. Because I’m okay, even if it ends with nothing left in my hands.

She thinks that Haru wasn’t truly “happy” with her, that he couldn’t have been – or if he was, it’s only some inferior version of happiness which he would better experience without her.  It’s telling that she thinks first of releasing Haru from herself before Akito. Rin honestly believes that she’s less than worthless, so she’s willing to give up her life for the sake of her idealized “pure” Haru.

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Until next time…

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