You don’t tend to think things through, do you, human?

This episode is a bit more plot-focused, as we get a look into the Emperor’s court and his (alleged) motives, by way of the Golden Guard.

Kikimora: The Day of Unity approaches, where we’ll celebrate the purification of magic under the coven system, just as the Titan intended.

This “purification” ritual is pretty vague, but Belos is adamant about destroying wild magic and (presumably) its practitioners.

The Golden Guard evidently helps Belos regularly with some decidedly creepy (and violent) breakdowns. At least he has the sense to punch the walls instead of his underlings. But the only thing that helps is EATING PALISMEN, which they’ve run out of at the castle…

Golden Guard: The palistrom wood has been overharvested. Uncle, let me help! We can make more palismen. Actually, I read about this technique harnessing wild magic to- um, sorry.

Belos: Please, be careful. Our family is gone because of wild magic. I can’t let the same happen to you. Find me more palismen. I can depend on you, right?

So this an example of nepotism! Literally (the word refers to nephews being appointed to positions of power). Well, not quite literally, as we’ll explore later in the episode (and later still it gets even more complicated). But this is the plot for the episode.

Luz: Please tell me your secrets.

Meanwhile, Luz hasn’t gotten anything more out of the echo mouse (and won’t for the rest of the episode).

But Eda gets her excited for school by promising her a staff.

Eda: Now, traditionally, young witches carve their staffs from a branch of an old palistrom tree.

Bump: But, sadly, palistrom trees are becoming more rare. And those that remain are guarded covetously.

Eda: That’s why I’ve teamed up with Bumpypoo-

Bump: Never call me that.

Eda: -to bring you…

Bat Queen: Palisman adoption day!

Bat Queen: These little ones have not had homes in many years. They want to feel a connection. Kneel and state your deepest wish, and your like-minded partner will find you.

Amity isn’t at school today (obviously something to do with her mom being mad about the new hair color), so Willow is the first to give it a shot.

Willow: I want to be strong and wise to protect everyone I love. And if anyone gets in my way, they’ll feel the sting of defeat.

Bat Queen: Tender, yet tenacious. Clover gives her support.

A bumblebee is very appropriate for Willow, and not just because of her affinity for plants.

Once Willow breaks the ice, everybody’s eager to find their palismen, even if they are “hand-me-downs”. They’re more “experienced” than used!

Luz: I want to be a witch!

Luz: Probably just takes longer because I’m a human, right?

Bat Queen: Palismen bond through emotion. I do not sense any conviction from you.

Luz: That’s impossible. I’m Luz! I’m chock full of conviction!

Bump: Perhaps specificity would help. There are many kinds of witches. What do you hope to accomplish with your magic?

Luz: Oh, ah, get home to my mom?

Gus: Would you still train to be a witch in the human realm?

Boscha: Can you even do magic there?

Luz: Huh. I guess I never thought that far ahead.

Luz: I stayed here because I wanted to learn magic, right? I wanna be a witch, like Eda and Azura. But what does that even mean? And I’ve read stories like this. the main character always has to return home and, what? Did I expect to be a witch back in Connecticut? […] Yeah. I wouldn’t want to be my palisman, either.

She’s conflicted at the moment, torn between the life she wants to pursue on the Boiling Isles and the family she’s currently separated from.

Then she discovers a little birdy stowed away in her bag.

Luz: Did you come here for me? No. Of course not. Come on, little dude. I’ll take you back to your nest.

Luz: All right. I’m not leaving here until I figure out my future and one of you becomes my palisman!

Then, in the middle of the night, her quality time with the palismen is rudely interrupted by a kidnapping.

Because of course he couldn’t pass up an opportunity to steal so many palismen.

She gets the jump on him and shoots him off the ship, but he’s soon back and on the offensive.

Luz: Why are you stealing palismen, Golden Guard?

Golden Guard: Frankly, you should be more concerned about yourself. For the crime of rocketing me off my own ship, you’ll be locked in the dingiest cell in the Conformatorium for the rest of your sad little life!

Luz: Whatever. I already broke out of there, like, twice.

GG: Then we’ll just zap you to dust and throw you into the sea. That better?

Then she manages to draw a glyph with her feet and send his staff flying…but an attack by a weird dragon-type beast puts an end to their quarrel (and the ship).

Her little bird friend shows up again to free her from her bonds, just in time to overhear Kikimora’s schemes.

She tells her men that the Golden Guard died in the crash, then sends her pet (palisman?) to track him down.

Luz: This is the Golden Guard? It looks like he could be a student at Hexside.

Luz: Sh! Listen. You are a bad person, and I do not like you, but Kikimora’s trying to kill you, and unfortunately, I’m too nice to let that happen.

Luz: Hey, man. I just saved your life. The least you could do is tell me your name.

But after that, he’s turned away from an outpost for the Emperor’s Coven (mainly because Luz confiscated his staff, and Kikimora stole his iconic mask).

Luz: Back up, or- or else!

Golden Guard: Or else what? You gonna blast me to bits? Nah, you’re too nice for that. Fly away? Uh-uh, you know you can’t do that, either. Cause then you’ll be leaving behind your precious palismen. You don’t tend to think things through, do you, human?

This is her whole problem at the moment. She kept putting off telling her mom what was really going on, thinking that she had plenty of time, then she had to blow up the portal, so she lost the ability to communicate with her at all. And now she can only focus on getting home, and she doesn’t have a clue what that will mean for her magic (or her friends, for that matter).

But at least she talks him into a truce, seeing as Kikimora just tried to kill him and take credit for catching the palismen.

While they’re waiting to spring a trap on Kikimora, they naturally get to talking.

Luz: Other than Lilith, I’ve never spoken to someone inside the Emperor’s Coven. What made you want to join?

Golden Guard: You were right before. I’m a powerless witch. A lot of my ancestors were. I never thought I’d have a future in a world like this. But then Belos found me and gave me a staff with artificial magic, said the Titan had big plans for me.

Luz: At least you have your future figured out now.

GG: At least you can figure out your own.

Notably, Luz also lacks the ability to cast spells without a staff – and he says he’s never heard of using written glyphs to cast spells…

Golden Guard: Stop! Get away from me!

Luz: He’s just being friendly.

GG: I don’t care! These things are made from wild magic. It’s dangerous.

Luz: And does he seem dangerous to you?

They actually make a pretty good team! They manage to bring Kiki’s monster down with a sleep-inducing gas in the middle of nowhere.

At least while they share a common goal.

Luz: Right. I didn’t think this through. Again. So you’re really gonna do this? You’re just gonna hand all these innocent little guys over to Belos? I know what he does with them. I thought you might’ve been a good guy, but I guess that was just wishful thinking. You’re not my friend. You’re just the Golden Guard

Golden Guard: My name is Hunter.

So he fights Kikimora while Luz takes her beast (still carrying the palismen) back to the school. I wanted to get a screenshot of the fight, but Hunter’s fighting style is particularly tricky to capture in a shot, as he constantly warps around the battlefield, which is a great tactic when Kiki’s still affected by the sleep smoke.

In the end, he opted to let Luz get away with the palismen rather than let Kiki bring them in and allow them be devoured by Belos. He probably considers it a small loss on his part, since Kiki doesn’t recognize him without his normal mask, so he wouldn’t have to face any consequences for fighting her.

After her adventure with the palismen, Luz goes home to discover she wasn’t the only one who was out all night doing mischief.

Eda: It’s palistrom wood, ya dingdong!

King: Now you can make your own palisman!

Luz: But how? Isn’t this super rare?

Eda: Let’s just say that the Bonesborough Garden Club-

King: Was robbed! By us!

So that buys Luz some time to think about what she really wants to use her magic for.

Belos: So, you return with nothing. Is this the thanks I get for taking you in? […] These outbursts are painful. And so is watching you fail. I know you can do better, Hunter.

Hunter clearly wants to help his uncle, but also thinks (quite understandably) that he’d be able to help him more if Belos only told him more about the nature of his ailment, so that maybe he wouldn’t have to drain the life out of cute harmless magical critters to survive.

And speaking of cute magical critters…

Hunter: You shouldn’t be here. It’d be bad if Belos saw you.

But of course he keeps him, anyway.

Until next time…